I love you!

I don't know why but I've always had a hard time saying "I love you". When I love someone I show it as much as I know how to by spending time with them, serving them, laughing with them, confiding in them, listening to them and creating memories with them.

We go sledding or play games. I bring them treats or offer to cook them dinner but sometimes it's not enough to imply the "I love you"s. Occasionally it must be spoken out loud. The utterance of "I love you" can leave no doubt in their minds that you care deeply about their happiness.

But I almost never say, "I love you" unless speaking to a family member.

Perhaps I am afraid. Not a great thing to admit on a blog about believing in yourself and in your dreams but I guess admitting it is the first step to fixing the problem, right?

The more you open yourself up the more vulnerable you are to pain. It is easy to tell my family that I love them because I know that families are forever and I know that there is always more laughter then there is pain. But what about friends? What about a man who touches your heart and leaves a mark? Is it worth it?

With friends I would always answer, "Yes!" You can never have too many friends. People who all care about you and are happy to see you. When traveling, who doesn't want a large group crammed in the car for a 12 hour drive. :) It's always worth it.

As for love? Well, I must admit I'm still very young and have only really been in love once so I know I'm not the expert and I have so much to learn.

The first boy I ever fell in love with (I had dated a few guys before him but never really been in love until then) was continually frustrated with me because I never said the words, "I love you."

Because I felt comfortable with him I had no problem with talking out issues that would arise between us. Because he cared for me I had no problem with letting him know when I had had a bad day or communicating honestly how I was feeling but, though he said the words almost every day my usual response was, "I'm glad you love me."

What does "I love you" really mean? Does it mean, "I love you the best way that I know how to at this point in my life." or does it mean, "I will do everything in my power to make you happy." or is it "You make me want to be better than I am."? Is it all of the above? And how do you keep those feelings from fading away then after years of being married? Is it worth the hurt that comes if things don't work out the way you want them to?

I admit when I started this post I was hoping to get some epiphany and be able to answer my own questions but here I am at the end with nothing but questions still. I know I have an endless supply of determination though and I know that life is for living so I am guessing that it must be worth the hurt because it's such an essential part of our lives and I am going to try harder to say it to those I truly care for.

There is a lesson to be learned from every experience and though I'm young and inexperienced I am certain that love is no exception. Love deeply and come what may, right? I hope so...

To everyone reading this post: I love you! It may take me a while to get in the habit of saying it out loud but I truly love you...

The List

So here is the list. The things I've always wanted to do. Some of the items are silly and childish but fortunately it's a part of me that I can't shut out. :) Take a look and reflect on your own list. Maybe some things are the same and maybe you will see some ideas of things you would like to add. Just remember that the list is not something to merely be admired; it is the course your life should take.

In no particular order
1. Tango in Argentina. I don't mean in a concert hall but in a small cafe that's tucked away from the crowds. Who doesn't want that, right?

2. Climb a mountain at least 15,000 feet high. Any one will do.

3. In Spain they build giant statues out of paper and on one night they burn them all at once. I would love to see that happen. (This got added to my list just last night.)

4. Learn a foreign language.

5. Get married. This may be the hardest one to fulfill on my list because I need someone who will be a fellow adventurer. Someone who will help me live my list not hinder my progress. Someone who has a list of their own. Most guys (especially in Utah) want to settle down and start a family, not run around the world... it may take a long time to find someone who fits that description. I know it's a tall order.
I want that someone who is the constant. No matter what country I'm in, no matter how the world changes around me; the constant through the new beginnings and the constant despite the pains that will come.

6. Attend Oktoberfest! Now I don't drink but I have always wanted to join in the singing and dancing that goes on during Oktoberfest and due to the fact that everyone is stinking drunk I don't even have to be a good dancer.

7. Attend Karnival. I don't want to show favorites as far as countries go so if I'm going to Oktoberfest I have to go to Karnival!

8. Sail the Nile. From top to bottom in a small two man boat with a close friend or that husband that I may have some time in the future. Go ashore every now and then to see new things and meet new people. I recently learned from a friend how to defeat a crocodile so now I'm set.

9. Have someone kiss me in the rain. I know that it's cheesy but I do have a hopelessly romantic side that creeps out every once in a while. I try to keep it under close watch so that I don't make people with sensitive gag reflexes sick but this is one of the things I want to do before I die.

10. Run a marathon. This one is going on right now. I've been training since October and I'm up to running about 10 miles which isn't bad considering I couldn't even run 1 mile when I started. I run on July 24th (if I'm still in Utah at that point...) and everyone should come down to the finish line to cheer me on or if you start now you can run the race with me and check a marathon off of your list too.

11. Along with the marathon theme I am going to run in a race across a desert or through a jungle. Or perhaps I'll bike across China...

12. Be on a game show. I even downloaded an application for "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader" to see what the audition and interview process is like. Look for me on T.V. :)

13. Audition for a Broadway musical. I don't care if I make it or not but it's always worth a shot plus I could spend the week in New York at Ray's Pizza or the Majestic cafe.

14. Create a great work of art. This may be a movie, a dance number, a song, a sculpture, a painting. I don't know what it's going to be yet but when it happens my soul will be there for the world to examine.

15. "Uncover or build or discover a thing that I can call my celebration."

16. See every ocean. I've only seen the Pacific Ocean with my own eyes. Before I die I want to behold and swim in every single one. Better get going...

17. Learn to ride a motorcycle. I already know how to drive stick now I just need to take that on to a bike. I think it would be much easier to get around if I had a good reliable bike instead of having to resort to public transportation.

18. Visit the San Blas Islands. I've only seen pictures but even the still life takes my breathe away. I want to lie on the beach and build an enormous sand castle that will wash away forever when the tide comes in.

19. Visit at least 10 countries... I figure this will be one of the easiest to accomplish because as I'm checking off everything else on my list I'm sure to be a world traveler.

20. Attend an inauguration. I don't really care that much about politics but I do think it would be fun to stand in the freezing cold Mall and see a new president sworn in. History in the making...

21. Learn to ice climb and climb the Stairway to Heaven. I've heard that it's beautiful up there and I want to see it for myself. There is so much beauty in Utah and as much as I want to travel the world, I'm still grateful to have been raised in such a beautiful state.

22. See a shooting star and make a wish. Can you believe that I've never seen a shooting star! If I live the life I want to and be the person I want to be then I may not have much to wish for when I do see my star.

23. Experience weightlessness. I don't necessarily have to go into space. There are other ways...

24. Run away to a foreign country with little or no planning. It wouldn't be running away if every detail was planned out. It must come from the heart and be driven by the desire to experience life.

25. Find/send a message in a bottle. Just for funsies...

26. Live in China for a period of at least 6 months. This was added to my list after I read a book. I've always been able to keep the wanderlust in check until I was introduced to this book. It taught me that I shouldn't have to keep the wanderlust in check.

27. Fall in love. Hopelessly, and unconditionally. This will come with the husband territory, I'm sure, but I thought I'd add it in seperately. It is possible to fall head over heels from someone and not marry them so it deserves a spot all it's own.

28. Save a life. I don't mean from physical harm or danger.

Some of these dreams are just now at their beginnings and some are well under way. When I die I don't want to say that I have lived my dreams. I will say that I have lived my life. When dreams and reality are one then you are truly alive.

Air out your dreams...

Everyone has a list hidden away in the corners made up of what they would like to experience before the time comes to pay the ferryman. Most keep the list locked in the drawer and only look at it when their children are asleep.
What did you want to be when you grew up? Did that dream get locked up with the rest when you faced "reality"? Why didn't you become what you wanted to be? Is it because someone told you that responsible adults must go to work in an office and stay in the same rut day after day? Who decided that that is the way to spend your days?
What would happen if one day you decided that the rules made up by our fathers weren't worth following? What if we all made something spectacular of our mortal existence?
This life is all we have to take with us when we depart and so why are so many content with just an occasional peek into the drawer where their dreams lay dormant? Why not bring them out in to the light, air them out and make every dream a reality.
Your dreams are so much closer than you think. All that is required is that you reach out and embrace them. Start small with the short term goals that lie dusty and forgotten and then move up the scale and realize that the life you dreamed about is banging on your door.
I have a list just like yours and I intend to fulfill as many items on that list as I can before my time is up and in doing so I hope to encourage others to break out of their confinements and experience life as it was meant to be experienced. With love, friendship, risk, hurt, adrenaline, speed, beauty, trails, lessons learned, laughter, intensity, heart and peace. Filling my soul with every good thing but never, never with regret.
Grow, stretch, learn; although it may be uncomfortable at first just remember that practice makes perfect. I vow from this moment on that I'm going to live the life that I've always wanted to but never had the courage to before. I will run at every challenge full speed and never turn back. I know it is easier said than done but luckily I have a little help. (Thanks for the push out the door, Shaun!)
I want you to come with me. All of you. Come away to Neverland...whether it's by following my blog or joining in my adventures. Or better still, start an adventure of your own. Live. This is the only life you have and as for me: I intend to put mine to good use.