All children grow up....except one...

"I don't know if you have ever seen a map of a person's mind. Doctors sometimes draw maps of other parts of you, and your own map can be intensely interesting, but catch them trying to draw a map of a child's mind, which is not only confused, but keeps going round all the time. Those are the borders of Neverland.

Of course the Neverlands vary a good deal from child to child. Of all the delectable islands the Neverland is the snuggest and most compact; not large and sprawly, you know, with tedious distances between one adventure and another, but nicely crammed."

Sir James Matthew Barrie, "Peter Pan"

I often think how wonderful it would be to wake up one day and find myself in Neverland. Where there are no grown up worries and adventures around every corner. "For what troubles a grown up will never trouble a child." But then I remember the tragic figure who resides in the Neverlands, Peter Pan. When I was a child I used to envy Peter and his eternal youth but as I have grown I feel sorry for him.

"Peter Pan will have countless joys which other children will never know but he was looking in on the one joy that he would be forever barred." No family. No feelings. No downs and therefore no ups. At least not the kind of ups that change a person and bring meaning to your life. Ignorance is bliss? I don't believe so. For when we have tasted the bitter pain of failure, defeat, death, and heartbreak then how much sweeter is the fruit of success, victory, life and love? The tragedy of Peter Pan is that he cannot love.

We, as adults, truly have the best of both worlds because we can still find that magic and the adventure of the Neverlands and feel the thrills of life. But we can sample them with the people that we love. The friends, family and lovers that lift us up and give us that little bit of pixie dust required to fly. As long as we don't get so caught up in all work and no play and really focus on the things that matter in life then we are in the Neverlands.

Why do people think, "As soon as I have this then I'll be happy." or "As soon as this event takes place then I'll be happy." If we are focused on our families and our loved ones then you will be happy right now. And, yes there are trials and hard times but those moments when the world is right and you are perfectly happy don't have to be few and far between. When we really focus on the things that matter in life then we are in the Neverlands.

The borders of Neverland are the dreams and imagination that we all carry with us and if we keep those alive then we are not Peter Pan or Captain Hook but we are Mrs. Darling. When ever I find myself wishing I were in the Neverlands then I stop, look around and count my blessings. Then I realize that the place I would rather be more than anything else in the world is the place I'm in. I don't envy Peter Pan or anyone else for the life I have is truly blessed and if you take a moment to look around then I think you'll realize that your's is too.

It's okay to have problems and troubles. It's okay to have those bad days as long as you don't let those unhappy thoughts keep you down. It's okay to grow up. When we do, we give up some of the things we may want and dream about but we give them up for something that will bring us greater happiness by far. Family. Love. Friendship. All children grow up...except one.

Martha Proctor

Yesterday was the 90th birthday party for my Aunt Martha Proctor.

Born into a family of 6: Bill, Keith, Martha, Donna, Reed, and Norman. Now only she and my grandpa, Reed are left. (That's them on the left.)

Married to her sweetheart, Paul Proctor, in 1945. Sealed in the Salt Lake Temple by David O. McKay. Mother of 4 boys. Paul, Lane, Kirk, and Scot. Grandmother and Aunt to all. I can't think of anyone who has a bigger heart than my Aunt Martha. She adopts everyone she meets into her family and she is in the "people business". She takes an honest interest in everyone's lives and is always ready with advice when you ask for it. She never forgets your name and always remembers what was going on in your life the last time she saw you.

She has served with more energy and more heart any anyone I know, and although she is 90 her mind is still razor sharp. It was so wonderful to sit together with family and honor her. Hearing her stories and her perspective on life. 9 decades of learning and loving. The party was held in Park City with good food and family. What else is needed in life to make a person happy? Her 3 sons (Kirk has passed away), gave tribute to her and then she spoke about how she and her husband Paul met. So many people showed up to show their support and thank her for the love she has given.

Every 3 weeks she and her second husband Royce come up to American Fork to have Family Home Evening with me and my grandpa. What a wonderful time it's been to get to know her better and feel her energy and example. She knows the answer to every one of my questions about life and how to be happy. There are very few people I trust as much as my Aunt Martha. I love you Aunt Martha!
The picture above is my mom and her cousin Scot Proctor. He and his family live in Fairfax, VA and so it's rare that I get to see him, Maurine and his kids. He gave me a huge hug after dinner and told me that he can't wait for me to move to DC. We'll only be about 30 minutes away from each other then and it will be a 24/7 Proctor party. :)

Zachary Quinto

Okay, this is probably a lame blog post but I fully acknowledge my nerdiness and I'm okay with it. :)

Actors used to have talent. What happens when the actors that we love so well grow old and retire? Who will take their place? Well now a days all you have to have in order to be an "actor" is a pretty face. What about talent? Where are the actors with a real gift? I have two words for you: Zachary Quinto.

That is all. His role as Sylar in Heroes was my first exposure to the wonder that is Zachary. Never have I seen a creepier villain. A villain with depth and emotion. My awe of Mr. Quinto was deepened by the film Star Trek. Such a good movie and overall the entire cast delivered a great performance but my favorite character was Spock.

Not only does Zachary Qunito look like Leonard Nimoy but he also can act the part. Super cute, amazing acting.
Need I say more?

Happy Birthday!

This has been a busy week! On Saturday I had some of my peeps (Cory, Alex, Nicole, Mike, Linsay, David, Ethan, James, Rachel, Callie and my mom) come over to celebrate my birthday. We went to the zoo (which ended up being insanely busy) and then had a BBQ at my mom's place.

On Sunday we had the family over for mother's day and I got to talk to Nick! Sad to think that I won't get to talk to him again until he gets home but at least I know that he'll be home for Christmas. He called on a member's cell phone so I only got about 15 minutes to chat with him but that's better than nothing, right?

On Monday (I had Monday and Tuesday off from work) I came to the conclusion that I would make a very good "stay at home" mom. :) I cleaned the house, went grocery shopping, bought a book I needed, went out to lunch and did the laundry. Okay... I may not be good at it but it was so nice not going to work. ;)

On Tuesday I mowed the lawn at my grandpa's house and realized that having work off isn't as fun when no one else has work off. Luckily I got a call from my friend, Shaun. He made me a masterpiece of a birthday book and gave me a few hours of quality hang out time.

After my family got home from their various places of work my mom took me to dinner and then to a movie. Star Trek. SOOOO GOOD! I feel slightly nerdy admitting how much I really liked it but it was the best movie I've seen since V for Vendetta. After the movie we did the Kanno present parade which is my mom's way of not wrapping presents. ;) I got a new skirt, a new purse and one of my favorite books, Coraline by Neil Gaiman.

So overall, a really good birthday... and I like how it turned into a 5 day event. :) Happy birthday to me and Nick!

Happy Mother's Day

I know that many will be making the same claim as I on this day but I honestly think I have the best mother in the whole world!

My parents were divorced when I was about 2 years old and my mother raised all 8 children by herself. She had little more than a high school education and eight little mouths to worry about. She went to school a little at a time when Nick and I reached pre-school age and studied hard while doing laundry, cooking, attending school events, dance concerts and working. After 5 hard years she received her nursing degree and got a job at American Fork Hospital in Labor and Delivery.

She taught us hard work and was a parent first and a friend second. She taught us that sometimes you have to do things that you hate or don't want to do (weeding the garden, cleaning the house, etc.) She new how to dicipline us so by the time we hit Jr. High she rarely had to worry about us. And she raised her children to have solid testimonies of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. She never faltered and always did her best and has been a perfect expamle of courage, faith, hope and charity.

She worked from 6pm to 6am so she could be home with us during the day. She never missed a show that I was in (that's 13 musicals, ballroom competitions and Shakespeare competitions in Cedar City) and I grew to love the sound of her camera clicking away in the third row. Many times she picked me up at a friend's house late at night even though I knew that it was her one night off and her one chance to sleep normal people hours.

She went on every choir and drama tour (San Francisco, Washington DC, Aneheim, and New York) as a chaperone and everyone of my friends prayed that they would be put under her charge. Known as "Mamma Kanno" to all of my friends she watched over and helped raise them as if they were her own. Offering advice and counsel to those of my friends who had no support at home. She allowed us to build forts in the furniture, stay up all night talking and let all of my friends crash on the couches when we stayed up way too late.

She has watched us rock climb in Moab (and almost die several times), play Pooh sticks up the canyon and has heard enough high school drama to last a lifetime.

She taught me the words to John Denver, The Carpenters, and The Beatles' songs through road trip after road trip. She travels all over the country to deliver her grandchildren and help her children in the first weeks of new parenting. She has driven more miles and spent more time as her children have spread out over the country.

The thing that I love most about my mom though, is her accepting nature. I always have know that I can tell my mom anything. She never judges me or my decisions even if she is occasionally disappointed by them. She knows exactly when to give advice and when to stay silent. She has never been one of those control freak moms that make their children's lives miserable. She taught us correct living, hard work and courage and then sent us out to make our own mistakes. She has never tried to close the acorn and stop the oak from growing. And the love in her eyes never falters as she looks on her children's mistakes. She sees only her child and loves. No matter what she loves me. The perfect mother to me and all of those she comes in contact with. My friends, ward members, and coworkers all love her and learn from her example. Everything that I am today is because of her (um...I hope that's a compliment).

Mom, I love you with all of my heart! I want nothing more than to be the kind of woman that you are. Thank you for everything you have done for me and everything you continue to do. You will always be my best friend. You are someone I can laugh with and talk to and love. You are truly the best person I know. I love you!

When fear knocks at your door let faith answer.

I cannot understand why it is that so many people let fear rule over their lives! I count myself in this thought. For so long I have made decisions based on what others will think or probability of success. Failure or judgement are not in control of my life any longer!

The only person whose opinion I care about is the Lord. Easier said than done, I know. It is a conscious choice though, made every second of every day. I will not doubt and I will not acknowledge fear. To acknowledge fear is to let it get it's foot in the door and once you give fear an opening it can come down on you and consume your light. It will shut out your glory and cloud your vision. Choose to see upwards and choose to believe.

I believe in myself and nothing else matters.

I was wondering the other day why people don't practice more "radical honesty". Why do people hold back what they feel or think? Because they are afraid of rejection? Because they are happy with the way things are and don't want them to change? That isn't to say that we should be tactless and just say whatever we want whenever we want but so many times I think we hold back on what needs to be said because we have let fear get the best of us.

Now, don't get me wrong, there might be pain. The reason fear is such a powerful master is because there will be times of rejection and loss. Picking yourself back up from a fall can be difficult and may take time but how much stronger will you be if you put yourself out there and take risks and get right back up when fear knocks you down.

There are people who love you and support you. The Lord, friends, family. You are not alone and so why should you fear. If you are doing what the Lord has asked and if you truly believe in yourself fear will never be able to hold on to you. This week be brave and tell someone how much you love them or introduce yourself to a neighbor you don't know. Serve a coworker or apologize for an old hurt. Be brave. Hold your head up and brake the chains of fear.